When I started out on my journey of self-discovery (self-discovery basically means me finding me) I would constantly give away my power to others by feeling the need to explain every action I took and every decision I made.
Why? Why did I need to explain every little detail of my actions to others?
What I know now many more years down the line is that it was due to low confidence levels and my distrust of myself to go forward and take action without requiring, or needing, the approval of others. We can get so wrapped up in what other people think about us that it takes our sight away from how special we actual are ourselves. Around 7 years ago I was sat having a conversation with my friend Kim, and at one point in the conversation, she told me to shut up and stop justifying myself. At first, I was shocked that someone had basically told me to shut up, but at the same time, the shock included me accepting how much of my own power I was giving away by feeling the need to explain everything to everyone. This then would lead to me becoming more aware of how much I was explaining every action I took and that deep down this was my constant need for approval.
As a child, I had never really heard the words “I am so proud of you” or “You can achieve anything you put your mind to”. In fact it was far from that and the encouragement was never there to better myself or become something. As I grew up the need for approval became a good thing and a bad thing.
The Good Thing
The good outcome of requiring this approval is that it made me a high achiever who worked hard to accomplish a lot in life and achieve a lot in my short 43 years on the planet. Which, to the outside world and society looks to be a good thing.
The Bad Thing
The reality was my soul had a huge black void that was screaming for approval and by filling my life with these accomplishments I was constantly seeking approval. If it was not for Kim calling me out for it, I would never have reflected on the situation and looked back on how throughout my life I had needed approval, and how much it was leading to justify everything I was doing. It was a desperate attempt to feel validated when really? I didn’t need to justify anything! I was enough and I needed to own it! I needed to own my own choices and take responsibility for my own life.
How I Moved on From Justifying Myself
It was far from easy to learn, I did not just wake up one morning and stop justifying myself. It took time to change the habit of justifying everything because I had mastered the art of it and changing that habit was not going to be easy. It took baby steps each day to tell people my choices and not have to follow them up with an explanation of why? These were my choices and I had to believe in them enough and myself enough to not have to feel to justify the reason for my choice or feel the need for approval for the decisions I had made. These were my choices, my decisions and it was up to me to stand in my own self-confidence and rely on my own determination and self-care to know it was the right choice for me.
How You Can Stop Justifying Yourself
Change isn’t easy, it is hard to unravel a lifelong habit that has been formed over many years and in order to change you first have to become aware that you are actually doing it. So, in order to start your own journey of not justifying your choices you have to become highly aware of what you are saying in conversations by the phrases you are using. If you are using phrases like:
I am doing this because ……
I think if I do it this way it will ….
No, because …
Yes, because …
The choices you share with others always trail off into a full explanation as to why you have to do something and usually the “something” could be as simple as why you are wearing the colour red today. When the truth is nobody cares if you choose to wear red today, in fact, they are more worried about their own lives and situations that affect them and possibly worried about what you think about them choosing to wear green today.
You Are Enough
Start to stop explaining yourself and explain in great detail why you have decided to do something. Start to respect your own choices you have made and re-programme your thoughts with “What anybody thinks of me is none of my business”. Say this around 30 times a day out loud and it will start to re-set the thoughts of you not being enough in your mind. It will start to make you aware that you are enough! That you just need to believe you are! If people can not accept your choices or feel like they need you to justify your choices, then that is a weakness on their part, not yours. They need to build on their own acceptance levels and learn to respect the choices that people make, we are all 100% responsible for our own choices and so we should own them.
As I said before, you are enough my friend, and it is time for you to stand in your own confidence and own the fact that you don’t need to explain your choices to anyone. You are your own person, and people need to respect that.
Until Next Time, Your Friend for the Journey
Kate xxx 🙂